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5 Ways The Enron Story Could Have Been More Exciting

1. Ken Lay hired an assassin to silence Sherron Watkins.

2. Jeff Skilling had a debilitating cocaine addiction. He was known for snorting it through rolled up hundred-dollar bills of your pension money. He’d laugh derisively because the employees couldn’t afford good Colombian cocaine, they had to get by on malt liquor.

3. The NatWest Three had everyone fooled with their adorable British accents. In reality, they were Al Qaeda plants.

4. Every morning upon waking, Andy Fastow removed a pair of high-powered binoculars from his bedside table and used them to peer through his bedroom window to the Enron building. After two and a half minutes, he would mutter “motherfuckers,” under his breath, stow the binoculars away, and go about his day.

5. Sean Berkowitz plea bargained for a temporary set of balls and confronted Jeff Skilling outside a bar in a gritty industrial area.  Jeff Skilling is wearing a jean jacket with his name on the back, which makes him easily identifiable to the few people who come out to see what the commotion is about.  Jeff takes a swing. Loud 80s rock music swells. Jeff Skilling beats the crap out of Berkowitz, and then goes home, certain that now he has the ability to stand up to his father.   As he is on the way home, he raises his fist in the air in a gesture of victory.

(I’m watching Breakfast Club so maybe some of the influence leaked into this last one. Maybe.)

Cara Ellison

3 Comments

  1. LOL, Breakfast Club… Great old movie! :) BTW, Im doing my John Wayne right now, searching the internet for a good pair of spurs… Just can’t find anything out here in the sticks!

  2. Al Qaeda plants? Man, I’d like to grow me some of those. I wonder if they are fun to smoke? Oh, wait, we’ve been smoking them for years in Iraq and Afghanistan. Never mind.

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